Landers

After all the cock juggling thunder cunting hassle with getting the mini-bus through it’s MOT I now find I have to have the car done…

By Friday…

Fuck!

Dear Lord,

I’m very very sorry for all the cussing and swearing I do. I’m a good person really. I’m sorry I don’t go to a regular church meeting on a Sunday, or any day really. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve made false promises to you such as “Oh God please let me win the lottery!” or “Oh God please let England win the World Cup!”.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve used Your name and your son’s name in vain.

I’m sorry for all the wrongs I’ve done.

This is my promise to You. I promise to try to never use Your name or that of relative of yours in vain again. I promise to tell people how wonderful You are. I promise to think about attending a church.

I will do all this and more if you do me one two small favours.

No.1. Let the mini-bus pass it’s MoT test today.
No.2. Let me get there without killing anyone, including myself!

Yes, Lord, I know the brakes have been done but You know the state this mini-bus is in.

If all goes well I may just treat myself to a new number plate. For my car, not the mini-bus. I know I have one already but I’ve found a better one. 1 ARP is only £17’600 and it is my birthday next week. Mommy has said she’ll order a diamond encrusted one but I think that might be a little too much so I’ll just got the a yellow one and a white one.

Thanks God.

Yours

Landers Paddy Fez Rob.

Last week I took the minibus out for a little test drive up and down the road. I took it to the shop to empty some stuff even though it’s got no tax or valid MoT certificate

Even as I turned the corner out of our driveway (if you can call it that! it’s just a space in front of our garage and by our front gate. I suppose it is our driveway but it’s debatable (there’s one for you Lyndz) if you’d actually call it a driveway) I knew something was wrong as I’d got no brakes. I was pushing the break pedal (yes Zeds, I’m sure it was the break!) but was getting nothing but a hiss. A hiss reminiscent of that which I hear ALL THE BASTARD TIME!

So I drove up and down the road, pumping the breaks, trying to get them to maybe kick in as Afflecks mom had said they’d had a similar problem after it hadn’t been driven for a while.

Nothing.

So I parked it back up and thought bollocks to it. It’ll be okay come the day I need to take it in for it’s MoT test.

That was today.

Leaving R at home I set off and got the usual response of no breaks and a pretty hissing.

So I ended up having to drive at 10mph with the hazards on, pissing off all the other drivers behind me and continually pumping the breaks to see if I could get them to work. If anyone was following me it must have looked like a second-rate eighties disco with my red lights flashing all the time. My heart spent the entire time in my mouth as I was positive I was going to get stopped for going to slow or having no tax or having no valid MoT certificate or killing someone as I could stop!

I got to the test centre, parked in the queue and went in to register. I was starting to relax. I knew I’d now got at least forty minutes before I had to take my life in my hands again and head off home in a failure.

Those forty minutes turned into five minutes. Not because of the old saying “time flies” etc but because the MoT test is TOMORROW AND NOT TODAY!!!! I’VE GOT TO DO THE WHOLE FUCKING JOURNEY AGAIN TOMORROW!!!

Bastard!

Completely fucked off with Mobile Posting.

Can’t get it to work no matter what I do.

How very annoying! What am I going to do while I wait for the minibus to fail pass it’s MoT? And while we’re on the subject of MoT’s… Why is it, and I’m guilty of it as well, that we say “oh it’s got to have it’s MoT done?” It’s like these people that say “Pin number!”

MoT = Ministry of Transport
PIN = Personal Identification Number.

“It’s got to have it’s MoT.” = It’s got to have it’s Ministry of Transport
“PIN Number.” = Personal Identification Number number!

WHAT?

“It’s got to have it’s MoT test done,” or “It’s got to have it’s MoT Certificate renewed.” Much better!
“What is you pin?” or “Can you enter your pin please.” Superb!

I’m rambling now because I’m pissed off with mobile posting.

Things to do:

1. Ring removal company
2. Do a card for Jason
3. Do a card for Scott
4. Post Jasons card
5. Ring Janet