Landers

I’ve not done one of theses for a while!

Lilly Allen
“I’ll quit music if fans don’t like my new album!” she says. Well fuck off then! Don’t waste the plastic on production you vile tramp! Did you guess that I can’t stand this talentless old bitch?

You Tube & Viacom
I had an email this morning informing me of my You Tube subscriptions and all their new videos. I know I was totally over reacting but I actually didn’t want to go and look at them because I don’t know just how much information is being passed around. If a court in the US wants to pass that law or whatever then let them, it’s up to the US people to fight it but why the fuck should MY privacy been invaded! Viacom own Blockbuster (Xtra-vision depending on where you live) and I’ve got visions of walking into my local store, choosing a DVD and at the counter being told by some spotty university drop-out that he thinks I’d prefer something else because his computer has just told him what I watch on You Tube! Fuckers!

Robert Mugabe, The UN, UK & US
The UK and US should be ashamed of themselves. If they were so willing to storm into Iraq (twice!) to sort some tinpot tyrant who was killing the citizens of that nation then soldiers should currently be in Zimbabwe. Robert Mugage needs fucking with a cattle prod. “The UN are in talks!” And I’m thinking we’ll sort out world poverty with a nice cup of sugary tea and hug! Fucking twats!

A Man Giving Birth
If this “man” was to marry a woman – in church with the full ceremony – would it be newsworthy? No. Not only because it’s just a “normal” wedding but also because it wouldn’t happen because his birth certificate states that he is a she and no church would allow the marriage to go ahead. So, if his birth certificate says he is a woman surely a woman has just given birth and not a man? I’m sorry if that sounds like I’m not supporting transgender and all that as I do, I’m just pissed off with listening to the news tell me a man has given birth.

Eircom
You are cunts.

Pointless and boring. I am watching a programme about the ultimate ten thrill rides and the people are talking about how on a “stand-up” roller coaster… you stand up! As the human body is used to being in a seated position when travelling then its huge thrill to be stood up – erm I get no thrill from escalators!*

Anyone who has ever been on a “stand-up” roller coasters will know just as well as I do that you do not stand up on a stand up roller coaster! There is a saddle and a massive chuffing harness. Let alone the fact that my knees are always bent and my feet firmly on the floor! – And I’m not that tall!

Things like this piss me off! It’s crap! It’s not right! So why do they get away with saying these things! Imagine you’ve never been on one and you watch this programme. You find out that a roller coaster called “The Riddler’s Revenge” is the biggest stand-up roller coaster in the world and it’s somewhere in the US. You decide it would be your dream to go on it so you save and save and save until one day you have enough money to fly off to the US of A, pay your money to get in to the park and head for the ride! You queue for four years and laugh at the signs tell you you’re 1t5 minutes from your ride. After clearing up your camping equipment at the last turn you’re finally at the ride and as you get on to your horror you see the one thing you weren’t expecting – a seat!

How angry would you be? I’d be demanding my money back! Actually I’d be spouting off about demanding my money but walking round the rest off the park, queuing for more rides that are going to either leave me with back ache or soaked clothing because I thought I could dodge the tsunami from the log flume and never actually collecting my dosh or telling a manager that it was in fact crap!

Thankfully I have always found that it isn’t the rides that make days at these place fun, it’s the people you go with.

*I actually get a little un-nerved by them! Apparently, according to an optician, I have a psychology disorder with my eyes which means when I look down from a great height I get a blind-spot and I cannot see the bottom. I also get this on stairs when it’s my first time coming down them. Apparently I have issues with not knowing where the bottom is! This has never caused me any problems, I was 19 when it was diagnosed and it’s not something I ever thing about. Sometimes I wonder if “professionals” make things up to charge me more money!

**Heath Ledger**
I don’t believe it was accidental. He had traces of oxycodone (Percocet), hydrocodone (Vicodan), diazepam (Valium), temazepam (Restoril), alprazolam (Xanax) and doxylamine (over the counter sleep medicines like NyQuil) in his system. He was a not a stupid man.

**Jeremy Kyle**
Ahhh! Shut the fuck up! Shut up! How did this man //ever// get a television show. He was great on radio, a really funny presenter with a marvellous style but on telly he is shit shit shit! He has no idea what he’s talking about, thinks shouting gives you the moral high-ground and belittles peoples feeling with his crass shitty words! For Gods sake man you’re married to a divorcee who met her first husband the day she fucking married him in a radio stunt and who then rarely spent a night with him! You are not God and you are very rarely right. You do more harm than good.

**Dubbed Adverts**
I know the cost of making a television advert. There is no excuse for your crap dubbed adverts!

**Potential Employers**
When I write to you or e-mail you with my CV and covering letter it’s polite to fucking reply. Even if it is only a little receipt to say you got my application. Cunningham Motors – thank you. The receipt I got this morning was lovely. It was more than a receipt but less than a letter and I now know where I stand and I look forward to hearing from on Monday or Tuesday.

**The Deadly Knowledge Show**
I think I can leave that one right there.

**The CIA, KGB, MI5, FBI, Police, Army and so on…**
If I murdered someone, just a strange on the street, someone who had //no// connection to me what-so-ever, you’d find me. You catch me, put me on trial and sentence me. Now granted my sentence would be a couple of years in the clink and then a holiday but either way I’d have learnt my lesson. You have all this satellite technology and can spy on who ever from where ever, you have the ability to call on the funds of the entire world if you need it, you don’t need to shop at Specsave to get a free pair of specs but why… no, **WHY** can you not find Osama Bin Laden? Yes the world is a big place but you have the resources!

**Fabio Capello*
I don’t like you. You’ve got a lot of work to do to impress me

I fucking hate that programme. “Strictly Dance Fever” if you didn’t get that from the title.

Keep in mind that tonight is the first time I’ve watched it with any interest and that’s only because Doctor Who didn’t start on time due to the over run of the Cup Final.

My main gripe is that it is total and utter shit mixed with a smattering of talentless twats. Now I don’t mean the dancers. As I’m not a professional dancer I can’t comment with any real significance but as someone who trained in Ballroom, Latin American, Jazz, Jive and Tap I can comment with a little bit of knowledge. The dancers in my mind are all great. This would be because they are NOT amateurs! Amateurs my fucking arse! The one girl has just come out of a professional contract. She only got in because at the time of entering she wasn’t working. Get people of the streets and get them dancing, that would make it slightly more interesting.

So what else is wrong with the programme?

1. GRAHAM FUCKING NORTON!!!!! My god I hate this guy. He was okay on Carnal Knowledge (I loved that programme mainly for Marie McErlaine (or however its spellled!) but since he left that and made it big he has become a twat. He seriously needs to be shot. He’s crap, he’s not funny and as far as I’m concerned he gives us fags a bad name!

2. June Sarpong! Fuck off back to Channel Four! I enjoy BBC3 and don’t want to see you on it. You have the charisma of gravel, a voice to match and you’re as thick as box of hammers! Go back to Vile Vernon and Talentless Tess!

3. The Singers. WHY GOD, WHY?! Go back to the lounge club dive you crawled out of.

4. Arlene Phillips. How much work have you had? I don’t mean dancing work, I mean cosmetic surgery? Seriously love, stop or you’ll be shaving soon. I don’t give a fuck that you started Hot Gossip. Seriously, that’s nothing to be proud of, Pans People so had the edge on you and all you really did was copy them. Are you proud to be a plagiarist? (Zeds don’t you dare say a word! Seriously!). So Ms. Phillips I’d like to see you do half the moves they did tonight. I can pretty be sure that Wayne Sleep can with or without his zimmer so can you? I very much doubt it.

Rant over.